A couple of weeks ago, when we were at UVA and still uncertain about what was going to happen to our little girl, Christopher mentioned to me that he had read a recent blog that I had posted. It was all about how God had been leading us and providing what we need just when we needed it. I wasn't sure how to put things into perspective. All those little providencial things seemed so unimportant now compared with the tragedy we were facing. It almost made me chuckle. Had God really been taking care of those little things? Then how did he miss something so much more important? I think Christopher could see somehow beyond that moment. To him I don't think there was irony. You would have to ask him, but I think he felt that God was going to work this one out also.

I never was angry at God or blamed him for what was happening. I didn't understand it. I had given Meriah to Him over and over again. Even before we knew her name would be Meriah. Even before we knew we were going to have a baby at all. We prayed that if it were God's will for us to have a child he would give us one. If it was not his will he had closed many wombs in the past, he could certainly do it again. Why would he give us a child only to take it away. I could understand a little glimmer of what Abraham must have felt. It was hard for me to be hopeful. I was afraid to hope. I knew God could heal her. I just wasn't convinced that he would.

That hope was rekindled in a hotel room at a Sleep Inn in Charlottesville around midnight. I fell asleep in my clothes on one side of a big bed with Christopher sleeping on the floor under the desk and Reed a good 3 feet away on the other side of the bed. We had talked and prayed and pleaded with God. We praised him for his mighty works. For his redemption of my baby. I went to sleep with a glimmer of hope. Not very much. . . but God only needs a mustard seed.

Looking back now it is amazing to see how God has been working in this whole ordeal. When I hear people say how this experience has changed their prayer lives and strengthened their faith I can only shake my head and wonder. Was this God's plan all along? I can't answer that question. But I know He is still putting things into place. We left the NICU only 2 weeks after arriving. (I think all the doctors were surprised by this.) I had a whole week at home to adjust before school starts. God has given me just what I need, just when I need it. God don't let us forget what you have done for us. Don't let our trial and suffering be in vain. Help us to remember and to continue to be changed by your goodness and your mysterious ways.